Relationship Agreements

We frequently take for granted that our relationships, including romantic, family, sibling, friendship and all others, operate through many spoken and unspoken relationship agreements. When relationships break down, more often than not, a key relationship agreement (or rule) has been breached. Can you think of some of the relationship agreements that are operating in one of your significant relationships? Some common examples of agreements in romantic relationships are 1. monagamy 2. how much time is spent together 3. the amount of privacy allowed 4. daily telephone contact. When an unspoken 'rule' or agreement is broken this can be more difficult to handle because it's never been discussed or even promised. One person might have come to rely on something that the other person didn't even consider was so important. In order to work it out, consider the following. The other person usually has positive intent, or the desire to please you. Although it may seem intentional, the other person is usually unaware that the breach has hurt you. So, speak up in a direct and friendly manner and be willing to verbalize the unspoken agreements operating within your relationship(s). With cooperation, relationship agreements can easily be renegotiated and strengthened.

I would love to hear about your experiences with relationship agreements!

You Can Be Right or You Can Be Happy

When we’re stressed or anxious, it’s almost impossible to think clearly. Our higher-level thinking has to be ‘programmed’ in order to ‘take over’ the reptilian brain. We’ve spent years with our reptilian brain controlling how we think and behave. The pathways in the brain for this type of response are automatic. In order to gain control over our thoughts we need to practise thinking and responding in a helpful manner. Eventually the helpful pathway will become larger while the instinctive pathway diminishes. When the helpful pathway becomes dominant, helpful thinking becomes automatic.

Creativity is essential for problem-solving and decision-making; two functions that we rely on daily to make good choices in almost everything we do. Unfortunately, we are unable to access much creativity when we’re stressed or anxious. While you’re feeling relatively relaxed, come up with several ‘general’ helpful thoughts you can use to combat unhelpful thinking. Helpful thoughts are essentially any thoughts that make us feel good, inspire us, motivate us to take action and/or give us energy. Unhelpful thoughts are any thoughts that make us feel bad. Leading a fulfilling life is about doing what works rather than focusing on what’s fair, right or true. We need to have several previously generated helpful thoughts stored in our memory because we won’t be able to create new helpful thoughts when we’re immobilized by stress.

Some examples of unhelpful thinking are “My brother doesn’t make time for me, so I must not be very important to him”, or “I’m obviously not a priority to him.

Some examples of helpful thinking are: “He has a really busy life”, “I know he loves me a lot” “It’s not personal” “This gives me more time to do all of the exciting things I’d like to find time for in my life” etc.

I’d love to hear from you. What are some helpful thoughts you use to combat unhelpful thinking?

Happy New Year!

2009 is here... Happy New Year! Setting new year's resolutions dates back 4000 years to Babylonian times. It's interesting that throughout the ages using this time for renewal and reflection has remained pretty much the same.

I frequently use an exercise in my work designed to capture what life will be like once you're living your ideal life. Building your dream life in your mind requires getting in touch with your most creative self, your sense of power and inspiration. The possibilities are endless when we dare to suspend judgment. This mindset provides fuel to make the changes in your life you might otherwise deem impossible.

It's one thing to create this rich inner life in our thoughts and quite another to take the challenging steps to make it a reality. So how do we attain this? We need confidence in ourselves, knowledge that we are capable and competent regardless of what others say, grace to speak up and stand up for ourselves, faith, and the patience to spend a few minutes every day in the direction of our goals. Remaining positive is important too. Do you recognize the difference between the following two goal statements:

1. I would like to get a better job.
2. I have a great job that challenges me and pays an excellent salary.

They're both positive, but which one would you prefer to realize in your life?

To achieve success, the key is to tackle your goals in very small steps. We often try to tackle big projects and come up short when time and energy get the better of us. Taking tiny steps moves you slowly and surely in the direction of that which you desire.

So, instead of making big resolutions this year, make a couple of little ones. It's amazing how confident we feel when we accomplish even the smallest tasks. Completing 99% of a significant goal will often leave you feeling worthless as you might feel that only 100% will do. Take it easy on yourself and make your goals for 2009 easy, so easy that it becomes impossible to fail. Developing the skills to set small goals that build together over time, builds competence and is essential in creating the life you want by achieving and maintaining a healthy level of self-esteem and confidence.

For a fun twist to making New Year's resolutions, try making a Vision Board, recently made popular by the book and movie, 'The Secret' and based on the Law of Attraction, which states that what you you focus on is attracted into your life.

What resolutions have you made for 2009? Drop me a line. I'd love to hear from you!

The Secret Laws of Attraction

I'm currently reading a new book, 'The Secret Laws of Attraction' by one of my favourite inspirational writers, Talane Miedaner, an international life coach. Contrary to what the title might have you believe, Talane's book isn't about 'The Secret' or 'The Law of Attraction' per se; it's a book of little known communication, self care and coaching strategies designed for relationship success. For those of you familiar with my work, you'll know I'm a big fan of another of Talane's books, 'Coach Yourself to Success'. 'The Secret Laws of Attraction' is similar, but it focuses specifically on getting your needs met in relationships, how to feel great about yourself and realize your dreams. What really stands out about this book is the encouraging manner Talane uses to invite the reader to look inside for what may be missing in his or her life. The book guides you through figuring out what your core needs and values are; things like the need to be in Control, be Appreciated, be Heard and for Security, just to name a few. We often look to others to satisfy our needs and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's truly essential. However, it's important to know how to go about it. This book serves as a useful reminder of several things, including 1. Getting your needs met being fundamental to your sense of well-being and self-esteem 2. Let everyone know how they can meet your needs - very few of us are mind readers. 3. Practise maintaining strong boundaries, which includes saying 'No' to requests that are going to unbalance your life (even to friends, family and other loved ones). 4. Take great care of yourself by doing things you love.

What are some of your personal and emotional needs? How do you get them met?

Celebrities and Social Support

I was reading an article in the Metro News Celebrity Buzz section (*i know*) this morning and discovered that Heather Locklear allegedly checked herself into a psychological treatment centre due to depression and anxiety. After reading that article, I found another, somewhat controversial article by 'Deborah Kotz on Women' called 'Even Heather Locklear Gets Depression' in the U.S. News and World Report's Health section online.

Although Heather is a beautiful celebrity, first and foremost she's human. In that respect, we can all identify with her. The many factors that predispose any one of us to emotional health issues are numerous: level of social support, genetics, family history, nutrition and diet, physical health, sunlight, stressors and stress threshold, income level and hormones to name a few. The list of variables is endless and affect us all differently. We can't assume to know what's going on with someone because their life looks perfect on the outside.

Two of the biggest contributing factors to emotional health include social isolation and lack of support. Let's face it: we all have stress! Having a social support system that keeps you afloat in difficult times is invaluable. This includes having people in your corner who support you and understand your point of view. When you feel down, these are the people who will love you anyway and stand by your side. You'll know if they support you if you share what you're really going through and they continue to make you feel safe and secure.

Who has friends and family like that? It may be a tall order, but in the case of family, teaching people how you expect to be treated and in the case of friends, the same teaching applies, but choosing to surround yourself with positive people who accept you as you truly are might be a couple of the most important and healthiest choices you ever make.

My very best wishes to Heather during this difficult time ...and to all of you.

What are your thoughts are social isolation and lack of support as contributing factors?

Canada's Emotional Health Breakdown

The Globe and Mail features a five-day Special Report on Canada's Mental Health Breakdown in this week's 'Globe Focus' section. The series aims to lessen the stigma surrounding the issue and bring greater awareness to the situation. As a therapist, it's my heartfelt desire to see an end to the lack of education, stigma and suffering brought on by mental and emotional illness, and I'm always pleased when these discussions are in the spotlight.

To quote Dr. David Goldbloom, a renowned Toronto psychiatrist on why people are reluctant to talk openly about mental illness:

"It can't be because it's a rare phenomenon. The reality is that one in five Canadians over the course of their lives can experience mental illness in one of its many manifestations, and what that ultimately means is that every single family in Canada has in some way been affected by mental illness. There's nobody in our country who can stand up and say, not my family, not my aunts or uncles or cousins or grandparents, children, siblings, spouse or self. And yet the reluctance to talk about it, to acknowledge it openly, to treat it as a form of human suffering like any other illness, relates in part to how threatening this set of illnesses is to our sense of who we are."

Today's Globe showcases articles on bipolar disorder (a.k.a. manic depression) , schizophrenia, anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), your mental health questions answered, mental health resources, a glossary of mental health terms, Canadian mental health history and a section to speak your mind.

By sharing our humanity we may discover that in so many ways, we're all keeping the same secrets.

What are your your thoughts?

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