Susan Blackburn ...effective strategies for change

Relationship Transformation

2010-10-22T19:32:00.007-04:00

Relationships are constantly changing. Some say that the past is the best predictor of the future. But, when it comes to creating and maintaining a happy relationship, the past is over and the best place to make desired changes is in the present. Change is always possible and in fact, over time it is actually inevitable. Nothing remains the same, especially in relationships.

When you focus on things that went wrong in the past, it shifts your mindset to one of doubt and anxiety. Feeling like this makes it challenging to improve your relationship circumstances. It takes clarity and a fresh perspective to solve problems and make decisions that will bring you and your partner greater happiness going forward.

Instead of looking into the past, look within yourself to see what you can do to build a new and desirable dynamic. Being aware of your part in anything that might occur in your relationship is empowering. If you don't see how you contribute it will be challenging to create new and improved interactions with your partner.

Let's say for example, that your partner is inattentive and overly involved in his or her work. Look carefully at what is going on in your own life while this is taking place. This is not about placing blame but about being empowered and recognizing that like a pebble being thrown into any body of water, each action you take has a ripple effect on your partner and everything else in your life. In taking a closer look, are you involved with meaningful work of your own, nurturing your relationships with family and friends, focusing on taking care of your emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual well-being?

It's difficult to focus on yourself. But in doing so, you connect to your true strengths and take the focus off of your partner. Use the time when your partner seems to be preoccupied elsewhere to focus on learning new and interesting things, exercise and eating food that revitalizes and invigorates you. Spend time honoring your true self by doing things you love to do and enjoying activities that align with your personal values and goals.

Instead of relying on your partner to bring you a certain measure of happiness, entertain you and make you feel secure and loved, look within to provide these necessities for yourself. It's the most rewarding way of taking full responsibility for your life. This attention to self care almost always produces a huge, positive shift in your relationship by bringing your previously distant partner closer. He or she will initially be pulled nearer simply to see what happened to you. Your significant other will want to know why you’re no longer requesting their time and attention and why you’re so happy. Your happiness is magnetic!

You have the ability to alter the past in every moment by making changes in yourself. Start small and continue building on these steps. Relationship transformation always starts from within.

Masculine & Feminine Energy

2010-09-12T13:09:00.005-04:00

Relationships used to work because one partner relied on the other for financial and physical support, while the other provided emotional and custodial support. Times have changed significantly! For all relationships, both partners need to cultivate a balance of both masculine and feminine energies... creating a true, equal partnership.

We always seek out a complimentary mate. If we carry the masculine energy (typically males, but 20% of females) we desire to partner with someone carrying the feminine energy (typically females, but also 20% of males). This is so we can balance our strengths and weaknesses. Typically, where you are strong, your partner will be weaker and vice versa. In the beginning this seems to work just fine. However, at some point these differences cause resentment and frustration. We just don’t understand your point of view and we resent you needing us so much (partner X) and you not needing us enough (partner Y)!

When we reach the point in our relationships where we want our partner to change because things are just not working, it's time to dig deep and make changes within yourself. These changes will greatly influence your partner to make changes of their own. If you carry the feminine energy in your relationship it may be time for you to get in touch with some of your more masculine traits and if you carry the masculine energy it may be time to harness some of your feminine traits. Chances are pretty good that you are already fairly balanced and things could simply use some tweaking.

Instead of leaning on your partner to take care of those things that you aren't so good at, commit to cultivating this skillset within yourself. Masculine energy includes qualities such as doing, analysis, impatience, striving, rushing, assertiveness, logical, busy and controlling; while feminine energy includes being, intuition, patience, tranquil, nurturing, receptive, creative, calm and allowing. Balancing these traits still leaves plenty of room for women to be women and men to be men. You simply create a greater number of strengths within each partner. For example, some of you may call this irresponsible, but knowing how to relax and not take life so seriously, is... believe it or not, a strength! And, being too responsible is a weakness as far as relationships are concerned.

Does any of this apply to your own relationship? If so, it's the balance of two whole, competent individuals that really creates magic and passion that can be sustained.

Spending Time Together

2010-08-04T20:25:00.007-04:00

So, your partner is complaining that they don’t see enough of you. We all want to be closer to our loved one, but beware when your partner asks you to spend MORE time with them. It's true, some couples would really benefit by finding a way to make their relationship more of a priority. It is absolutely essential to spend quality time together, but it is equally important to spend time doing whatever it is that makes YOU happy. This comes first actually.

Make sure you spend the time you need to get yourself in a place of high energy and then spend time together. You will get so much more from your interactions. Feeling obligated to hang out as a couple doesn't work. We need to DESIRE our shared time together. When you come together through desire, both of you win!

This idea is described wonderfully in Aesop’s fable of the Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs. The story is about a man and his wife who find a goose that lays golden eggs. Over time, they end up wanting more than just the one golden egg per day! So, they decide to cut the goose open and lo and behold they now have nothing as the goose is now dead, and there is no gold inside. The goose developed the golden egg from scratch daily. The moral is that those who want too much lose everything.

You see, like the goose, you need to develop your happiness and tend to your well-being daily otherwise it just doesn't exist. Your partner doesn’t necessarily understand that you are like the golden goose. By this, I mean that when you are available and happy to be there, this is what your partner really wants. Your partner really wants a happy and balanced companion. In order to keep feeling this way, you need to ensure that you've taken the time to fill yourself up first!

You are in charge of your own life and responsible for your happiness and well-being. It is your responsibility to make sure that all of your needs are met and that you are energetic and joyous. In this state, you are able to truly GIVE your partner the time and energy that you have, when you have it.

Often your partner wants even more of you than you have to offer because your company is so great! He or she loses sight of the fact that you are in fact so delightful to be around because you make the effort to spend time doing all of the things that make you feel happy and balanced. To take you away from those things and demand more of your time, leaves you uninteresting and average, because you've let go of the very activities, pastimes and people you need to leave you feeling connected and whole. So, be true to yourself and offer your partner the very best of you. This means sometimes having to say no. But, WOW... when you are AVAILABLE, this time spent will be AMAZING and will always be worth it's weight in gold.

Personal Limits

2010-05-02T19:20:00.008-04:00

If your relationship isn't as satisfying as you’d like it to be, you might need to set bigger personal limits. A personal limit is a dividing line between you and your significant other as well as others. This line indicates both physical and emotional limits that your partner and others cannot violate.

When someone crosses one of your personal limits, it creates intense feelings of anger, hurt and rage. In some cases, your personal limits might have been crossed so many times that you are no longer in touch with your outrage. You might brush it off as either 'nothing' or 'not worth saying anything about’. Instead of feeling anger you may only be able to get in touch with feelings of resentment or possibly frustration causing a disconnect in your relationship.

Setting personal limits is vital to creating a close, satisfying relationship. When we don’t know how to set and stand up for our personal limits, relationships are difficult and unsatisfying because they don’t meet our needs for happiness. When we have a strong sense of our personal limits, it prevents us from being hurt by others.

When you set and enforce personal limits it raises your sense of self-confidence, because you’re sending yourself and your partner a strong message that you are valuable and worthy of the utmost respect. This makes your partner feel safe because he or she knows what you want and don’t want, instead of tiptoeing on eggshells.

Expressing our limits is allows your partner to know you in the truest sense. When the one we love knows us intimately we feel more closely connected.

There are certain personal limits that we all share, such as no one can hit me, but many of them are unique to our individual personalities. What are some of your personal limits?

Maintaining Relationship Intimacy

2010-02-13T20:49:00.003-05:00

What do you think of when you hear the word intimacy? Perhaps it conjures up images of sexy lingerie, a deep soul mate connection or a passionate, sexual relationship. Certainly, it can refer to all of those aspects but the entire meaning of intimacy is far greater than that.

In our relationships, whether they are marriages, long-term relationships, exclusive partnerships or casual dating experiences, true intimacy is often missing. In fact, most of us don’t know how to achieve a high degree of intimacy with our significant other. When intimacy is lacking in a relationship we get that dark, lonely feeling. You know the one where you feel even lonelier sitting right beside your partner? Nobody wants to feel this empty, so although intimacy takes some work to achieve, it’s well worth the effort.

Open communication, vulnerability, transparency and reciprocity are required to realize intimacy. It requires letting our partner into our hearts and our minds. Since we all have thoughts and feelings we don’t even accept in ourselves, it seems like quite a stretch to share many of these shameful ideas with others. We often believe that our loved ones would think less of us if we were completely honest. This results in our revealing very little about our true nature.

Disclosing personal information within a romantic or sexual context is important, but being intimate involves much more than this. It requires imparting our ideas about everything, including negative points of view. Sharing how you like to be touched or kissed is an example of open communication. Another is telling your partner in a kind and respectful way that you would appreciate it if he or she would do his or her share of the laundry, instead of just doing it yourself and saying nothing. Speaking in a calm, confident manner is assertive and highly effective. How many of you choose instead to ‘pick your battles’ figuring it’s not worth speaking up? When we ‘sweep it under the carpet’ by not saying a word, or choose to blame and criticize, we inhibit intimacy. Some of you are probably thinking that ‘speaking in a direct and considerate manner might work for some people, but not with my partner!’

Fortunately, this calm, respectful communication style works with everyone. Having ongoing conversations about your life goals and what your life was like as a child are also necessary, as are discussions about your preferences. Most importantly, you must make a point of letting your partner know what you need to feel loved, what your values are and what makes you happy, angry, jealous or sad.

If you're ready to get the magic back in your relationship, try being more open in your communication. Let me know how it goes!

Staying Happy Throughout the Holidays

2009-12-19T20:59:00.009-05:00

'Tis the season again. I find most people either love the holidays or hate 'em. For those of you who are fans of the holidays you may find that you're pretty happy, but perhaps even you might like to have more energy, feel less frantic and get more sleep. And for those of you who get a case of the blues over the holidays, there's a lot you can do to increase your spirits. For starters, how many of you are good at saying No? Or, even saying Yes, if it means showing up alone? This holiday season, give yourself permission to say no to at least one holiday obligation. You really don't have to do everything. You have the right to get some rest and maintain your sanity (and your health) and spend some of your time doing something that puts a smile on your face. For those of you who are without family, friends or a significant other to celebrate the joys of the season with, there's no need to be alone or feel left out. Say Yes when you're invited out - what a perfect opportunity to meet others if you won't know anyone there! What follows are some suggestions to increase your joy by giving, find like-minded others to share in the holiday merriment or ring in the New Year with.

Find Joy Through Giving:

- Yonge Street Mission

- Covenant House Toronto
- Ontario Association of Food Banks
- Good Shepherd Refuge
- Children's Aid Society of Toronto
- Second Harvest
- Big Brothers Big Sisters of Toronto
- Canadian Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
- Inner City Angels
- Distress Centres of Toronto
- Kids Help Phone
- Toronto Humane Society

Share the Holidays with Others:

- Host a Holiday Potluck for Others that are Alone

- Go out to a Bar/Restaurant - you'll be sure to find others to celebrate with

- Decide to make every Moment Count (attitude really is everything)

- Take a discounted Last Minute Vacation to a hotspot over the holidays

Often, it's our idealistic expectations of what the Holidays 'should' be like that gets the better of us. Lower your expectations so that you can enjoy the moment and keep your mood light. Being able to smile and laugh easily will make others feel connected and loved and will go so much further than the perfect meal, outfit or gift ever could.

I'd love to hear from you. What are some of your tips for keeping the Holidays happy?

Relationship Agreements

2009-09-10T10:23:00.007-04:00

We frequently take for granted that our relationships, including romantic, family, sibling, friendship and all others, operate through many spoken and unspoken relationship agreements. When relationships break down, more often than not, a key relationship agreement (or rule) has been breached. Can you think of some of the relationship agreements that are operating in one of your significant relationships? Some common examples of agreements in romantic relationships are 1. monagamy 2. how much time is spent together 3. the amount of privacy allowed 4. daily telephone contact. When an unspoken 'rule' or agreement is broken this can be more difficult to handle because it's never been discussed or even promised. One person might have come to rely on something that the other person didn't even consider was so important. In order to work it out, consider the following. The other person usually has positive intent, or the desire to please you. Although it may seem intentional, the other person is usually unaware that the breach has hurt you. So, speak up in a direct and friendly manner and be willing to verbalize the unspoken agreements operating within your relationship(s). With cooperation, relationship agreements can easily be renegotiated and strengthened.

I would love to hear about your experiences with relationship agreements!

You Can Be Right or You Can Be Happy

2009-02-09T00:43:00.014-05:00

When we’re stressed or anxious, it’s almost impossible to think clearly. Our higher-level thinking has to be ‘programmed’ in order to ‘take over’ the reptilian brain. We’ve spent years with our reptilian brain controlling how we think and behave. The pathways in the brain for this type of response are automatic. In order to gain control over our thoughts we need to practise thinking and responding in a helpful manner. Eventually the helpful pathway will become larger while the instinctive pathway diminishes. When the helpful pathway becomes dominant, helpful thinking becomes automatic.

Creativity is essential for problem-solving and decision-making; two functions that we rely on daily to make good choices in almost everything we do. Unfortunately, we are unable to access much creativity when we’re stressed or anxious. While you’re feeling relatively relaxed, come up with several ‘general’ helpful thoughts you can use to combat unhelpful thinking. Helpful thoughts are essentially any thoughts that make us feel good, inspire us, motivate us to take action and/or give us energy. Unhelpful thoughts are any thoughts that make us feel bad. Leading a fulfilling life is about doing what works rather than focusing on what’s fair, right or true. We need to have several previously generated helpful thoughts stored in our memory because we won’t be able to create new helpful thoughts when we’re immobilized by stress.

Some examples of unhelpful thinking are “My brother doesn’t make time for me, so I must not be very important to him”, or “I’m obviously not a priority to him.

Some examples of helpful thinking are: “He has a really busy life”, “I know he loves me a lot” “It’s not personal” “This gives me more time to do all of the exciting things I’d like to find time for in my life” etc.

I’d love to hear from you. What are some helpful thoughts you use to combat unhelpful thinking?

Happy New Year!

2009-01-02T20:43:00.014-05:00

2009 is here... Happy New Year! Setting new year's resolutions dates back 4000 years to Babylonian times. It's interesting that throughout the ages using this time for renewal and reflection has remained pretty much the same.

I frequently use an exercise in my work designed to capture what life will be like once you're living your ideal life. Building your dream life in your mind requires getting in touch with your most creative self, your sense of power and inspiration. The possibilities are endless when we dare to suspend judgment. This mindset provides fuel to make the changes in your life you might otherwise deem impossible.

It's one thing to create this rich inner life in our thoughts and quite another to take the challenging steps to make it a reality. So how do we attain this? We need confidence in ourselves, knowledge that we are capable and competent regardless of what others say, grace to speak up and stand up for ourselves, faith, and the patience to spend a few minutes every day in the direction of our goals. Remaining positive is important too. Do you recognize the difference between the following two goal statements:

1. I would like to get a better job.
2. I have a great job that challenges me and pays an excellent salary.

They're both positive, but which one would you prefer to realize in your life?

To achieve success, the key is to tackle your goals in very small steps. We often try to tackle big projects and come up short when time and energy get the better of us. Taking tiny steps moves you slowly and surely in the direction of that which you desire.

So, instead of making big resolutions this year, make a couple of little ones. It's amazing how confident we feel when we accomplish even the smallest tasks. Completing 99% of a significant goal will often leave you feeling worthless as you might feel that only 100% will do. Take it easy on yourself and make your goals for 2009 easy, so easy that it becomes impossible to fail. Developing the skills to set small goals that build together over time, builds competence and is essential in creating the life you want by achieving and maintaining a healthy level of self-esteem and confidence.

For a fun twist to making New Year's resolutions, try making a Vision Board, recently made popular by the book and movie, 'The Secret' and based on the Law of Attraction, which states that what you you focus on is attracted into your life.

What resolutions have you made for 2009? Drop me a line. I'd love to hear from you!

The Secret Laws of Attraction

2008-08-26T16:07:00.009-04:00

I'm currently reading a new book, 'The Secret Laws of Attraction' by one of my favourite inspirational writers, Talane Miedaner, an international life coach. Contrary to what the title might have you believe, Talane's book isn't about 'The Secret' or 'The Law of Attraction' per se; it's a book of little known communication, self care and coaching strategies designed for relationship success. For those of you familiar with my work, you'll know I'm a big fan of another of Talane's books, 'Coach Yourself to Success'. 'The Secret Laws of Attraction' is similar, but it focuses specifically on getting your needs met in relationships, how to feel great about yourself and realize your dreams. What really stands out about this book is the encouraging manner Talane uses to invite the reader to look inside for what may be missing in his or her life. The book guides you through figuring out what your core needs and values are; things like the need to be in Control, be Appreciated, be Heard and for Security, just to name a few. We often look to others to satisfy our needs and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's truly essential. However, it's important to know how to go about it. This book serves as a useful reminder of several things, including 1. Getting your needs met being fundamental to your sense of well-being and self-esteem 2. Let everyone know how they can meet your needs - very few of us are mind readers. 3. Practise maintaining strong boundaries, which includes saying 'No' to requests that are going to unbalance your life (even to friends, family and other loved ones). 4. Take great care of yourself by doing things you love.

What are some of your personal and emotional needs? How do you get them met?

Celebrities and Social Support

2008-07-04T10:51:00.022-04:00

I was reading an article in the Metro News Celebrity Buzz section (*i know*) this morning and discovered that Heather Locklear allegedly checked herself into a psychological treatment centre due to depression and anxiety. After reading that article, I found another, somewhat controversial article by 'Deborah Kotz on Women' called 'Even Heather Locklear Gets Depression' in the U.S. News and World Report's Health section online.

Although Heather is a beautiful celebrity, first and foremost she's human. In that respect, we can all identify with her. The many factors that predispose any one of us to emotional health issues are numerous: level of social support, genetics, family history, nutrition and diet, physical health, sunlight, stressors and stress threshold, income level and hormones to name a few. The list of variables is endless and affect us all differently. We can't assume to know what's going on with someone because their life looks perfect on the outside.

Two of the biggest contributing factors to emotional health include social isolation and lack of support. Let's face it: we all have stress! Having a social support system that keeps you afloat in difficult times is invaluable. This includes having people in your corner who support you and understand your point of view. When you feel down, these are the people who will love you anyway and stand by your side. You'll know if they support you if you share what you're really going through and they continue to make you feel safe and secure.

Who has friends and family like that? It may be a tall order, but in the case of family, teaching people how you expect to be treated and in the case of friends, the same teaching applies, but choosing to surround yourself with positive people who accept you as you truly are might be a couple of the most important and healthiest choices you ever make.

My very best wishes to Heather during this difficult time ...and to all of you.

What are your thoughts are social isolation and lack of support as contributing factors?

Canada's Emotional Health Breakdown

2008-06-23T11:47:00.010-04:00

The Globe and Mail features a five-day Special Report on Canada's Mental Health Breakdown in this week's 'Globe Focus' section. The series aims to lessen the stigma surrounding the issue and bring greater awareness to the situation. As a therapist, it's my heartfelt desire to see an end to the lack of education, stigma and suffering brought on by mental and emotional illness, and I'm always pleased when these discussions are in the spotlight.

To quote Dr. David Goldbloom, a renowned Toronto psychiatrist on why people are reluctant to talk openly about mental illness:

"It can't be because it's a rare phenomenon. The reality is that one in five Canadians over the course of their lives can experience mental illness in one of its many manifestations, and what that ultimately means is that every single family in Canada has in some way been affected by mental illness. There's nobody in our country who can stand up and say, not my family, not my aunts or uncles or cousins or grandparents, children, siblings, spouse or self. And yet the reluctance to talk about it, to acknowledge it openly, to treat it as a form of human suffering like any other illness, relates in part to how threatening this set of illnesses is to our sense of who we are."

Today's Globe showcases articles on bipolar disorder (a.k.a. manic depression) , schizophrenia, anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), your mental health questions answered, mental health resources, a glossary of mental health terms, Canadian mental health history and a section to speak your mind.

By sharing our humanity we may discover that in so many ways, we're all keeping the same secrets.

What are your your thoughts?

A Great Blog Topic

2008-06-16T00:06:00.001-04:00